necessary context: so, for the past couple of days, I've been trying to think about whether or not I really want to write my Dean/Cas BDSM fic for the ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
spn_j2_bigbang. On the one hand, yes, I absolutely do want to write it, and I want to write it for said challenge because due dates are a great motivator and so is the prospect of getting pretty art to go with it.
On the other hand, though, I'm being a massive perfectionist about everything, and I think I need more time than I have to convince myself that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me… also that I'm allowed to write things, and they won't necessarily be awful or completely fail to live up to all of their potential forever, and I won't ruin my ideas or anything like that by actually committing them to paper. Also, I really want to write some Jensen/Misha, with the rationale there pretty much just being, "because of reasons."
(Also because I'm feeling slightly burned out on Dean/Cas, and more specifically on large portions of the Dean/Cas fandom, like… they're still the OTP of my heart and everything, but I've been getting so much more enthusiastic about writing everything BUT Dean/Cas lately. Like, Anna/Charlie? Sign me up. Endverse!Bela and Cas gen fic? I'm so there. Dean/Cas? …I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not feeling it the way that I usually do, and I just want to write other things. The incarnation of it that I like the best right now is the RPing that I do with![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
temporalranger, or watching episodes that are particularly Dean/Cas-y to me and just happy sigh-ing to myself.
Like, the fact that I'm more excited about potentially filling a Cas/Benny prompt from the kink meme than I have been by any of this round's Dean/Cas prompts is super telling, to me, especially since I usually stick to the RPF side of the kink meme, and only venture into the SPN side when the preponderance of J2 prompts and veritable lack of anything else really starts getting to me. But I just… I feel so burned out on Dean/Cas, I feel so burned out on the Dean/Cas fandom and how much internal wank there is over the silliest fucking things, and I just feel like hiding in my nice little bubble of RPF instead.)
pros: had an idea for myspn_j2_bigbang fic while driving out to campus. something more concrete than the starting point I had a couple days ago, which was, "ugh, why are all the chubby!Jensen kink meme prompts Jensen/Jared, I want Misha to get in on the chubby!Jensen action too, why doesn't anybody like letting Misha get in on the chubby!Jensen action, whine."
cons: …it might be a Jensen/Misha retired superheroes AU, guest starring the Criminal Minds cast as the FBI agents responsible for looking after retired superheroes, making sure they don’t go and cause massive property damage, or in retired antihero!Misha’s case making sure they’re still on the level and don’t up and go dark side on everybody. so basically filling the role of that one FBI agent who helped out the Parr family in The Incredibles, except that there hasn’t been legislation outlawing masked vigilantism yet, so like… Jared and Genevieve, for example, are still running around in capes and spandex, saving people, fighting crime, the hero business.
…I don’t know, that feels like a pretty big con to me. I’m more than willing to admit that I might be wrong and/or biased because almost everything is making me grumpy today, but… I don’t know. The likelihood of me over-world-building this idea and wanting to write ALL THE SIDE-STORIES and generally being like one of the dogs from Up every time they see a squirrel about it… yeah. Plus, it’d have to walk a really fine line between my two favorite superhero genres: gritty, grimdark deconstruction a la Watchmen; and mildly deconstructive but simultaneously reconstructive happy silly fun times a la The Incredibles. And I’m not really sure about my ability to do that.
But I know that the first scene involves Special Agents Gibson and Mantegna debriefing Misha and trying to make sure for the umpteenth time that he’s really on the level about retiring and not just using it as part of some scheme to take over the world (which was sort of low on his list of priorities to begin with but y’know, the FBI needs to be sure of these things because taking over the world, whether it’s sincere or just a joke or not that high on your list of priorities in the first place, is kind of Serious Business for a lot of reasons)—and then Misha exits the room and Jensen’s waiting for him, since they’re walking off the chess board together and all.
I just don't know how I feel about the possibility of actually writing this, is all.
spn_j2_bigbang. On the one hand, yes, I absolutely do want to write it, and I want to write it for said challenge because due dates are a great motivator and so is the prospect of getting pretty art to go with it.On the other hand, though, I'm being a massive perfectionist about everything, and I think I need more time than I have to convince myself that I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me… also that I'm allowed to write things, and they won't necessarily be awful or completely fail to live up to all of their potential forever, and I won't ruin my ideas or anything like that by actually committing them to paper. Also, I really want to write some Jensen/Misha, with the rationale there pretty much just being, "because of reasons."
(Also because I'm feeling slightly burned out on Dean/Cas, and more specifically on large portions of the Dean/Cas fandom, like… they're still the OTP of my heart and everything, but I've been getting so much more enthusiastic about writing everything BUT Dean/Cas lately. Like, Anna/Charlie? Sign me up. Endverse!Bela and Cas gen fic? I'm so there. Dean/Cas? …I don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm not feeling it the way that I usually do, and I just want to write other things. The incarnation of it that I like the best right now is the RPing that I do with
temporalranger, or watching episodes that are particularly Dean/Cas-y to me and just happy sigh-ing to myself.Like, the fact that I'm more excited about potentially filling a Cas/Benny prompt from the kink meme than I have been by any of this round's Dean/Cas prompts is super telling, to me, especially since I usually stick to the RPF side of the kink meme, and only venture into the SPN side when the preponderance of J2 prompts and veritable lack of anything else really starts getting to me. But I just… I feel so burned out on Dean/Cas, I feel so burned out on the Dean/Cas fandom and how much internal wank there is over the silliest fucking things, and I just feel like hiding in my nice little bubble of RPF instead.)
pros: had an idea for my
spn_j2_bigbang fic while driving out to campus. something more concrete than the starting point I had a couple days ago, which was, "ugh, why are all the chubby!Jensen kink meme prompts Jensen/Jared, I want Misha to get in on the chubby!Jensen action too, why doesn't anybody like letting Misha get in on the chubby!Jensen action, whine."cons: …it might be a Jensen/Misha retired superheroes AU, guest starring the Criminal Minds cast as the FBI agents responsible for looking after retired superheroes, making sure they don’t go and cause massive property damage, or in retired antihero!Misha’s case making sure they’re still on the level and don’t up and go dark side on everybody. so basically filling the role of that one FBI agent who helped out the Parr family in The Incredibles, except that there hasn’t been legislation outlawing masked vigilantism yet, so like… Jared and Genevieve, for example, are still running around in capes and spandex, saving people, fighting crime, the hero business.
…I don’t know, that feels like a pretty big con to me. I’m more than willing to admit that I might be wrong and/or biased because almost everything is making me grumpy today, but… I don’t know. The likelihood of me over-world-building this idea and wanting to write ALL THE SIDE-STORIES and generally being like one of the dogs from Up every time they see a squirrel about it… yeah. Plus, it’d have to walk a really fine line between my two favorite superhero genres: gritty, grimdark deconstruction a la Watchmen; and mildly deconstructive but simultaneously reconstructive happy silly fun times a la The Incredibles. And I’m not really sure about my ability to do that.
But I know that the first scene involves Special Agents Gibson and Mantegna debriefing Misha and trying to make sure for the umpteenth time that he’s really on the level about retiring and not just using it as part of some scheme to take over the world (which was sort of low on his list of priorities to begin with but y’know, the FBI needs to be sure of these things because taking over the world, whether it’s sincere or just a joke or not that high on your list of priorities in the first place, is kind of Serious Business for a lot of reasons)—and then Misha exits the room and Jensen’s waiting for him, since they’re walking off the chess board together and all.
I just don't know how I feel about the possibility of actually writing this, is all.
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